Special gift to round-eyed children all over the world: A fun string of Christmas bells! When excited tiny tots shake the wee bells, well - - - actually the bells explode, blowing teeny hands and mittens to smithereens. BUT – with some really cool and awesome fireworks effects. You remember the Burning Schoolhouse from Halloween, don’t you, kids? Well, this is the Burning School Child. Besides, dudes, who needs all those little fingers? Yes, kids, you’ll be remembered for being dismembered. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! We LOVE our altruistic Chinese toy manufacturing friends! We’d love even more having them extradited to Canada for mass trials!
The 'Buttocks Buddy' Kiddy Slide
All you decadent, capitalist, fat-assed, spoiled children of the West, now's the time to trim your flabby arse with our new play-ground slide. Quality guaranteed, of course, because it was manufactured to the strictest standards in our squeaky-clean Chinese toy factories. Its component metal, a people’s amalgam of sparkling liquid mercury and totally-safe pure lead mixed with melted black hair from disobedient workers, stands up to repeated use, sometimes for two or three minutes.
But, have no fear, mothers! This was made at Old Blackboard River, Ontario. Instead of radioactive isotopes this log emits a new kind of nuclear particle - an isohope - as in — I so hope it will be there when I need it in the hospital! As the operators of the Old Blackboard Nuclear Facility have stated so cheerfully: “What the hell do we know about preventative maintenance or inventory control at atomic energy factories? The way we do it is simple, just like us. We look to see if the garage door glows in the dark and, if it does, then we know we got enough of them nuclear zapper thingees for this week.” Hey, all you flakes at Chalk River? A grateful Canada thanks you. Executives of Atomic Energy of Canada Limited charged with the operation of the Chalk River facilities should be fired, along with the gormless buffoons in singed lab coats tasked with planning Chalk River obsolescence procedures and reactor replacement.
For the Children's Book Shelf:
In which grade-school history buffs learn: Stalin was one heck of a swell tovarich! Gulags? Pogroms? Deliberate Ukrainian starvations? The murder of 36 million people? As Comrade Stalin said, “So I was culling the herd. Dobre! You going to put pebbles in my borscht because of a little house-cleaning? 234 rubles, printed on muzhik-skin paper, 678 pages. Putinpot Printing Co., Moscow; name of historian/author withheld by his request
And, finally, remember kids. . .
Even the Tooth Fairy can have a bad night.
© 2007 William Gordon Casselman
published by McArthur & Company Toronto, Canada
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