Christmas Carols

for

          Out-Patients

         of the Psych. Ward

               revised, expanded, rewritten & splendidly improved

                       by Bill Casselman

Part 1

consists of the carol title followed by a translation to modern relevance.

Angels We Have Heard on High --- translation: a motorcycle gang is in the alleyway, copulating with Little Tommy’s snowman.

I Saw Three Ships Coming Sailing In ---But they sank. We Canadians had purchased them from the Brits.

Do You Fear What I Fear?

While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night – Whadda ya call a dude with 70 mistresses?

Toyland, Toyland, Little-Girl-and-Boy-Land ---“And I want the Xbox 360 custom-fitted into the Ferrari dashboard. Yeah, I’m nine years old! So what? Ever heard of two years less a day for child neglect, wrinkly?”

Part 2

Be Alert over the Holidays for These Symptoms & Their Concomitant Carols

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Gay Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Lanai and Streets and Stores and Office and Aunt Tiffany’s Bra and Town and Cars and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and the Mistletoe over the Hamster Cage and the Duct Tape Beside the Cage…

Primal Scene Depressive --- I Saw Mommy Wrestling Santa Claus. Santy’s beard fell off and it didn’t look like Daddy, unless Daddy’s become the Lebanese accountant who lives next door in that funny house where the basement lights are on all night.

Abused Child Syndrome - All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.

Borderline Personality Disorder ---

Border Guard: Your country of birth?

Traveler: North Pole.

Border Guard: Preferred Ethnic Origin?

Traveler: I’m Santa’s love child.

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Passive-Aggressive Disorder --- You Better Watch Out: I’m Gonna Cry; I’m Gonna Pout; Maybe I’ll Tell You Why; Maybe I’ll Choke to Death on a Roasted Chestnut and Then You’ll be Sorry.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

Foretold Dementia --- I’ll be Home for Christmas.

                                                      © 2005 William Gordon Casselman

E-Greetings for the holidays

from egregious Bill Casselman

To all my visitors and correspondents:

I wish you and yours happy times in 2006

“Casselman’s Monty Python

Universe of Erudite Silliness”

Kitchener-Waterloo Record, Sat. Nov. 12, 2005

“Canada’s funniest collector of salty sayings...

Funny Pieces...demented...glee”

Hamilton Spectator, Sat. Dec. 10, 2005

A Gift of Laughter

in bookstores across Canada or buy it online

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